Alright then. So I keep breaking my promise to keep this site
updated, I'm just so wiped out with everything, the stress of this
entire ordeal is draining the energy out of me like I would never
imagine. I can remember a time when I could do 10 times as much
in a day and still have energy to burn, yet now even the smallest
things make me feel like I had a work out. wah wah wahhhh I so
gotta quit whining about this, there's so many people out there
who have it harder than I do, I gotta keep that in mind before
I piss and moan about my own problems.
Ok so if you're wondering what's up with the icon on this post,
it's cause I got some bad news today. I had another CAT scan earlier
last week and the results are in... And they're not good... It
seems all those steroids
I've been taking since my diagnosis, the ones that have been
messing with my head so bad, the ones supposed to stop my
tumours
from growing, and even hopefully shrink them, seem to have been
working as hard as a unionized DMV worker stuck on the back shift
on new year's eve. That is to say since my last scan in late August,
all my tumours have grown a few more centimetres each, some now
exceeding 10 cm (that's like 4 inches for you old school people
and Americans), and there's a few new ones they either haven't seen
before or weren't there before, either way I got the low down on
a good 5 or 6 tumours and/or cysts popping up in me and putting
pressure on my back, ribs, and nerve columns, causing some pretty
intolerable pains, numbness, and the like. So the way things look,
after my visit with Dr, Cuban, my Oncologist in Halifax, I going
to assume we'll be going straight to aggressive Chemotherapy (so
far I've only gotten radiation treatments and steroids to shrink
the tumours). Yay I so can't wait for the hair falling out and the
puking everyday, and the overall crappy 6 months of being sick
like a dog. -- that's sarcasm for anyone who wasn't sure.
But don't get me wrong, I'm not letting this make me bitter, I'm
just mad, REALLY mad, at this cancer, and I so want to kick it's
ass even more now, so if they say aggressive Chemo, then that's
what it will be, and I'll do whatever it takes to beat this cancer
like a bad dog. But let it be on record that I'm so not looking
forward to it. Its kinda scary, and I guess it sorta hit me even
harder today with that news that I AM facing something that could
kill me, and being stage 3 makes me so much closer to the end,
which is something that makes a man really evaluate his life and
wonder if he's done more good than evil, and being a semi religious
person (just not practicing) I do believe in a sort of afterlife,
and I gotta wonder if I've done enough good to get to the happy
place, or was it too little, and I face the not so happy place.
will I be doomed to fix computers for 95 year old great grandmothers
who just want to "play with the emails" for all of eternity?
maybe just working at the call center from hell, taking 6 hour
calls for tech support or customer service. Although I seriously
doubt the Devil himself would be hard pressed to compete with Convergys
in that domain. -- that's a joke for those of you who aren't sure.
OK I could babble on for hours I suppose, but I'll cut this short
with a few ideas I'm working on for this site, primarily my intention
to link to a community based forum for cancer patients and friends/family
of said members, where we can all chat, share, talk, and so on
in privacy away from open forums where just anyone can come in.
I propose a invite system where the first members will be me, my
family/friends, and everyone the cancer society can direct here,
and those people in turn will be able to invite family and friends
in, based on their connections, with no strangers allowed to come
in and flame us out. Its just an idea, and subject to change based
on what happens and what kind of interest I get.
Second of all I intend to make a cancer road map for anyone who
follows in my footsteps and was as confused and lost as my family
and I were on the onset of this who issue, doctors and nurses taking
care of the physical side, but no one telling us exactly what we
have to do or what order of whom to contact -- yes there's an order
to it, and one assistance group won't even talk to you if you haven't
contacted another group first, and there's other resources out there
we need that no one tells us about unless we're lucky enough to
have some kind nurse tell us, or meet up with another cancer patient
who passes on some advice, I'll try to put it all on one page so
as to make it a simple step by step process, hopefully saving someone
else the headache we went through.
My third hope is to officially work with the cancer society for
something that I haven't seen yet that I truly believe would assist
in we cancer patients' morale. I hope to solicit donations from
computer manufacturers for hardware and software to make our hospital
stays a little less isolating, hopefully even solicit software
developers and vendors for games and the like for all of us so
that (probably only the younger crowd) we can live out what we
have left with a little entertainment. Its not the wish foundation,
but a game or 2 on a moderately equipped computer could certainly
make my fight less depressing in the long run. Its a long shot,
but I'm willing to make the attempt.
Well, I think I've babbled on and on enough for tonight, in closing
If any of my somewhat removed relatives are reading this, I apologize
for the language, but this is how I talk naturally, so this is
how I write, and this is me -dot- CA, so its all about me, who
I am, uncensored, although I did curb it a little for your sakes,
and hope I did not offend. Any questions or comments, or even advice
on any of the topics I hit on tonight are welcome, please send
them to rich@thisisme.ca and I will be happy to reply ASAP. And
let me say You're nuts to have read this far, and to have read
this page at all, I just spew half nonsense most of the time cause
I don't know what to really say, but I really appreciate that you
would be so interested in my piddly little life to make the effort.
I will try to update more often, but I just have no interesting
topics to discuss until something like today happened.
Good night all and remember to treasure what you have because
there's always someone out there who has it worse than you do...
except that guy who has the Worse
Life Ever ©, he has the right
to bitch and moan. The rest of us need to just get up and walk
it off.
