Alright well now I 'm sitting here at 2 in the morning yet again, its becoming clear that these pills are causing severe insomnia, I'm sitting in Halifax after a meeting with my hematologist, going over all the things I found out today, and its not good. First of all its confirmed that the tumors have grown so much they're taking over my chest and back, pressing on nerves, causing insane amounts of pain, and pushing organs out of the way in a dangerous way. The pain is thankfully fixable with an increase of dosage of my meds, but until they prescribe the increase, I 'll just have to grit my teeth. The second part of course can only be fixed with aggressive Chemotherapy.

From what I understand theres several types of Chemo for my type of cancer, but with the advanced stage I have, combined with the size of my tumors, I get one for the worse treatments. My hair will fall out, I will be sick physically all the time, possible chance of infections, kidney, liver, lung, and other organ damage, emergency blood transfusions to boost my white cells, basically all the bad things you heard about Chemotherapy will most likely happen to me. But all I can say is YAY! I 'm so happy I don't have to go through surgery, aside from having a device called a hickman line installed into my chest, and I don't have to stay in a hospital room during this time. It would be nicer if I could have these treatments done at my local hospital instead of staying in Halifax for a week at a time, cause its so much better for my morale if I could sleep at home, and be home most of the day. Oh well, like the song says, you can't always get what you want. But right now I went from wanting sleep to needing sleep, I can tell by the way I keep waking up in front of the computer, realizing I had again passed out and started dreaming. One of the skills I developed in high school was the ability to sleep soundly in a sitting position without even slouching or falling out of my chair lol. I 'll finish this tomorrow, if I have enough time.

3 whole hours of sleep later.....

I wasn't kidding when I said this gave me severe insomnia, I 'm wide awake after being up a full day and getting only 3 hours of sleep... My psychic friend said I can expect to see frequent naps throughout the day. So back on track, Starting Monday I start aggressive Chemo, one week of chemicals, 3 weeks off to suffer at home, then right when it wears off, back to Halifax for more for another treatment, then a CAT scan to see if the cancer is responding.. This time I 'm gonna listen a relaxation CD at night before I go to bed, I 've heard it helps with both stress management and helping you focus on what you desire, and I obviously desire to beat this cancer down like a protester in communist Russia. Hopefully this will result in remission, though I 'll still have to go back (or stay?) for a bone marrow transplant. My sister was tested for a match, but we just found out that she wasn't, so the next plan of attack is to take my own marrow stem cells out through my hickman line before the Chemo, then transplant it back in after its all done... I prefer this method anyway as theres no risk of rejection, since my body wouldn't reject my own cells. I 'm willing to go through all that hell, but unfortunately the part I have a hard time accepting is I could be going through all that for nothing and in the end my tumors may end up still growing and my cancer may not respond at all. But I 'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Ok now, Lately I 've been hearing more and more people are reading my page, and all I can say is I 'm beyond flattered, I never imagined so many people would take an interest in my ramblings. Well that will definitely keep me motivated to keep on posting and hopefully not go a month without posting anything. I 've been getting alot of email from family and friends, and I promise you all I intend to answer every single one as soon as I get a chance, but I wanted to thank you all ASAP for all the moral support you're all giving me, some of you have said the nicest things to me that made my week just to read, and I got to thinking I may look into how hard it would be to add a forum to this site where you all can post and communicate with me and each other directly through this site rather than bother with emails that take forever to answer, etc... But again, thank you all so much it means the world to me to get the support you guys are providing, I 'm litterally floored by the things some of you have told me, I don't see myself as the type of person some of you seem to portray me as, I 'm just a regular Joe trying to get by in a bad situation, I just hope I don't dissapoint you all when the Chemo starts and I start bitching, whining, and moaning constantly about my troubles

Alright now, at this point my post is finished, but I did want to say a few words about a certain X-roommate of mine, who most of you will not know, and probably won't have any interest in reading about. This is directed to the people who I knew and worked with in Cornwallis. I 'm not the type to talk behind someone's back, and he's more than welcome to read this too, since he knows about this website, so if you don't know him, please don't read this rant, as my intentions are not to bad mouth him to the world, only to present my side to a story that I 've heard he's been telling some people.(who will remain nameless) presenting me as a theif, dead beat, and all around jerk, and I feel thats completely unfair and since I 'm too far from Cornwallis to defend myself in person, I 'll have to use my website to get my side heard. Now on the other hand I have no way of making sure people whom this doesn't relate to don't read it so its not like your web browser will explode if you click the link cause you just feel like reading some Jerry Springer-esque trailer park trash talk lol: Now on to the bitching and moaning...